All Of My Hopes

Oh the mental torture we put ourselves through

So, middle of September and I can't help but to think time passes by really fast. And yes, I still feel 17- like I'm still very much dependent on my parents and I possess a level of maturity I consider significantly lower than that of my peers. Oh the joys of being 19. Not.

Recently it has come to my attention that I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking. Yes, I think. Or ponder, brood, analyse, muse. Whatever. I've been thinking how far I've come and how much I've grown. As much as I may feel 17, it's irrefutable that I have grown in many different aspects.

All but one. Weight/size. But that doesn't matter. The main concern is not the physical growth but the mental and spiritual growth.

I don't usually blog and/or talk about religion because I would rather listen to the opinions of others but maybe it's time for me to speak out. To start, I am a Christian. And it's not because I go to church or because my parents are Christians. I mean, standing in a garage doesn't make you a car and neither does going to church make you a Christian. Anyway, my point today is that at one instant I felt like I've lost myself. I go too caught up in the other things that I forgot (to put it frankly) God.

After a while I suddenly wondered where is He when things start to go wrong or when things fell apart. I panicked. There was a sense of internal turmoil in me and it was just unsettling. I would lie in bed every night and wonder where do I stand in His eyes and was I worth it. But the worse was as much as I knew I was far from Him, I refused to go back.

The two voices fought back and forth. Both refusing to give in and the more I felt dejected. I gave up doing things I was brought up to do and I gave up in what I believed in. I knew what I was doing was wrong but yet I chose to solve it my way. I kept telling myself to let God guide my paths but yet I refused to let Him take the reigns.

Maybe it was the constant cry for help from my dry, shriveled soul (dramatic much?) or maybe it was the constant prayer and support by friends and family members that the dam just broke one day. I couldn't take it anymore and that's when I texted my friend telling her about my problem. It didn't matter whether she had a solution or not because by telling her, she helped me accept my weakness and now it's time to move on.

Your grace is enough, more than I need

I'm still learning and I may sometimes stumble and fall (hopefully not too often) but I now know the true meaning of "Let go and let God". I may never immediately relinquish my proverbial reigns of my life but I'm letting go of them slowly but surely.

Signing out,
winter-blossoms