Dort gehen Sie macht mein Herz wieder zu schlagen

Have you ever tried admitting something?

It may be admitting you're wrong, admitting you're sorry, admitting you're in trouble, admitting you're hurt, admitting you're confused, admitting you don't understand.

It's hard isn't it?

However, the most overused word that I think has lost its importance is actually the words "I'm sorry".

Why?

Look at our own lives. We hit someone by accident or we accidentally take something that doesn't belong to us, we immediately blurt out "OMG, I'm so sorry". People take the words "I'm sorry" for granted. I know, I do it too. I'm not here to judge others but to point out my faults too.

To say the words "I'm sorry" when you know you've hurt someone is actually very hard to say. Even though in your heart, you feel remorse and an emotional turmoil and you know you have to apologise to someone, it's really hard to swallow our pride, go up to that particular person and say "I'm sorry I hurt you".

Instead, we take the easy way out.

We pretend everything is okay. We still smile and go on with life like nothing happened. You look at the person you've hurt and see they're still smiling at you. You instantly think "Hey, he/she didn't take my words seriously. We're cool now." Little do we know what's going on inside their minds.

Saying you're sorry doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't turn back time and it most certainly does not make the scar vanish. It just makes the wound heal faster, scar less obvious and the pain go away.

I have a tendency of replaying my past conversations and I realise I've hurt many people through my words and actions. As much as I tell myself the words I say were unintentional or that I meant something else, that person must have been hurt.

I have plenty of regrets. Every time I replay a conversation, be in on MSN, through texts even face-to-face, I regret saying something or doing something that would inevitably hurt someone. I start thinking about how I could have made the conversation better, or how I should have said this instead of that. The worst part is that every single time, I let myself believe I did it subconsciously. Then when I finally realise the error of my ways, I fall. I fall so deep in my pit of despair and regret it takes me days to recover. People don't see this. In fact, once again I convince myself that putting on a mask would save everyone the trouble.

Admitting this is my way of dealing with this problem.

Signing out,
tasks-and-masks

Ps: This is not a random emo, teenage angst post. This is me dealing with my inner demons.